celestialdescent: Image: Yuri Nakamura from Angel Beats! stares ahead; the word "dream" and some tiny text are on the upper left side. (default2)
[personal profile] celestialdescent
So, I've been spending a majority of my time on Tumblr. Right now, I think I've made more posts (both my own and reblogs) on there in the past ten months than I have the first few years on LJ. Sure, compared to some Tumblrs I follow, that's just a drop in the bucket, but that's a huge thing for me.

Despite how relatively active I am on Tumblr now, there are still a few things I'm not completely comfortable putting on there because they delve more into my personal life than I'd like to share. It's weird, but it's because I've mainly designated Tumblr as my fandom squeeing/random stuff area. LJ (and now DW) has been mainly about my personal life, especially this particular journal. (I'd like to think that [personal profile] rfmadison will be my line between LJ/DW and Tumblr when I finally get around to updating that journal)

Anyway, the point of this public post. Here's a few thoughts accompanied by things that I found on the Internet. I'll put them behind cuts.

Sexuality, or lack thereof.

So, this isn't something I don't give thought to often. Mainly because I found that I never really cared about dating or whatever.

When I was 13 or so, my friends dismissed my lack of interest as something I'll get over eventually. Yes, I've thought about getting boyfriend or something in high school, but since I'm not a very social person, it never happened. And it was never high on my list of priorities. Sure, I went to an all-girls school and my parents were against me dating at the time. But if I really wanted a relationship, I would've made it happen. I just didn't care.

That attitude carried on into college and nursing school. Let's face it, I don't think I'm a fascinating person. I wanted to wait until I was sure that I could offer something useful or interesting to whomever I decide to eventually go out with.

I remember around this time last year, one of my parents' friends asked why my mom why I didn't have a boyfriend yet. She then asked if there was something wrong with me. I found that I wasn't offended by that. Just indifferent.

Here's the other thing: I'm not really interested in having sex in real life. I think. That's a little harder to figure out, because it ties in with my faith. (I'll touch on that later) So I don't really know if I don't want to have sex because I'm not supposed to until I'm married (Right now, I can say that I'm definitely not interested in marriage), or because, like dating, I really don't give a damn.

Why all this? Well, for a few years, I've been reading up on asexuality on a sporadic basis. I probably got this interest from the Internet itself, since we only ever discussed heterosexuality and the LGBT spectrum sexuality in one of the college courses I took.

I should mention that I love Tumblr's tag system. Every once in awhile, I'll check the "asexuality" tag and read a bunch of interesting posts. I've recently started following asexual-not-a-sexual, a Tumblr run by a 20-something asexual woman. It's a pretty informative blog, and she makes some neat graphics. (Check here and here for some examples of what she's done)

Now, she also made this Not My Division "survey" that's been floating around the "asexuality" tag on Tumblr, which is how I found her blog to begin with. I didn't feel like putting this up on my own Tumblr, so I'm putting up what I filled up below:

The actual image is pretty large, so click this image to see the full size. I got pretty detailed with my explanations there, so it'll be easier to read.

I haven't discussed this with people I know in real life because how am I supposed to bring it up during casual conversation? The closest I came to talking about sex with someone was this one guy who was trying to hit on me while I was on the bus. In hindsight, I should've either slapped him from the get-go or ignored him once he started asking about my breasts, but I did manage to stop him by saying I wasn't interested in sex when he asked. It didn't feel like a lie, either.

Anyway, I'm still trying to figure things out for myself regarding my sexuality. So... yeah.

Religion. Specifically, how deep my faith goes.
Yes, I was raised Roman Catholic. And I believe in the basic tenets of Christian faith (Basically what's in the Nicene Creed). But I don't see myself as super religious. I have issues with some of their teachings (There is no way you're telling me that homosexuality is "evil," and your belief in contraception is seriously flawed), and there are moments where I see myself doubting the faith. Confession is a big part of our religion (it's one of the seven Sacraments), but the last time I went, I didn't feel absolved from my sins; I only felt more confused.

So, why am I still Catholic? I've had this conversation with one of my friends from nursing school, but I couldn't really answer it. I do believe there is a divine being out there, but I could always look for a different faith that more closely fits my belief system. Then I stumbled upon this post by The Oreo Experience, another blog I've been following recently. Most of the time she makes satirical posts, but I think this is one of her more truthful entries. And I found myself relating to it. Especially these parts:

I get that that’s stifling to some people. But for me, nothing is more comfortable. I do love God. And I want to be better at being…better. But I’m arrogant as fuck and praying is a humbling thing that is hard to do. Exhibiting the love that deities tell us to exhibit is really really challenging. It’s painful to be nice when thinking my former bestie who put the kabash on our friendship because she didn’t like my dating habits and hurt me as badly as any guy ever as. It’s devastating to talk to my ex-husband and not demand from him an explanation as to why he didn’t love me but married me anyway. My heart explodes whenever I get an email from my Mom that begs for support while ignoring the fact that she gave me so little. And it’s way awkward to pass homeless people and wonder if I’m being safe or an asshole for telling them I don’t have money when I totally do. Not a lot, but more than they have, so why be so fucking stingy with it.

But for that hour that I’m in mass, I can make it work. For one little hour, I get it right. I say the right things. I move at the right time. I pray the right prayers. For one hour, I’m a gorgeous building, hearing gorgeous music and smelling gorgeous incense that reminds me that I think that God deserves my best. For one hour, I can commit to being a person who forgives and who gives of herself as much as she truly wants to. For one hour, I’m not bitter and mad at my bestie, or my ex or my Mom. For one hour, I get it right, and I feel good about that. Because I’m pretty sure I fuck it up every other hour of every other day.

She's referring to the Anglican church, but the Catholic Church is very similar in that respect. I've been to church so often that I don't have to think about when I'm supposed to do what: respond when the priest says this, sit during this part, kneel during that part. It's comforting for me. Even the incense, as much as I hate it, is comforting and familiar. And it's the main reason why I don't think I can leave the Church just yet.

So there you are. A few more things about me. Do I think anyone else will read it? Nope. But it's out there.
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February 2013

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